Anxiety Stricken

New Novel and Screenplay Provides Comic Relief for Anxiety Sufferers

NEW YORK, NY. – Author and anxiety victim ferf ziamond casts the serious issue of anxiety disorders into a lighthearted, comic story of a family in a small North Carolina town in a new book written in both novel and screenplay format, Anxiety Stricken (now available through AuthorHouse).

In the small town of Lenoir, N.C., the narrator, his wife, Kelly, and their son, Kevvy, begin a new life miles away from the world they know. The narrator is a victim of harsh anxiety attacks, which present great dilemmas along the journey.

Young Kevvy is smitten with a new acquaintance while he must deal with threats from the school bullies. The narrator’s mother-in-law comes to visit, causing large amounts of anxiety, but equally large amounts of humor at the same time. Meanwhile, the narrator learns of two others with his disorder and attempts to assist them after finding a possible cure for the awful episodes.

Ziamond seeks to bring readers “a whirlwind of fun from behind the eyes of some of the country’s worst anxiety attack victims.” The story comes from exaggerated notes written in the author’s journal while taking a course dedicated to curing anxiety and depression. This all took place at a time of life-altering anxiety for the author.

“In Anxiety Stricken we are able to laugh at our disorders while bringing them out into the open,” says Ziamond. “The best cure is not hiding it from others.”

Ferf Ziamond is a pen name representing a colorless, ageless, genderless storyteller who introduces a different concept to readers, says the author. Ziamond has also written Remembering Olsen and Exchanging Pleasantries. Both are available through AuthorHouse.

AuthorHouse is the premier publishing house for emerging authors and new voices in literature. For more information, please visit www.authorhouse.com.

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ferf ziamond

Anxiety Stricken

for

anyone who ever experienced one

Thank you Lucinda, Carolyn, and Midwest!

It’s all in the follow through

INTRO

Two burnout teenagers, Bagger and Nopoly sit in a smoke filled abandoned apartment. Cartoons on the television with the volume on full blast, a few beer cans around the room. A Monopoly game board sits on the floor with the money and pieces spread around unorganized.

Two typical mafia type gangsters burst through the door. “Feeling anxious boys?” Ghado, the taller, meaner of the two smirks. His voice is horse like a smokers. “Have a good time at the party? Now it’s time to pay up.”

CHAPTER ONE

The three of us, my lovely yet un-understanding wife Kelly, her son Kevvy, and myself approach our final destination.

Un-understanding may not be a word, however it explains Kelly perfectly, in my eyes anyway. You’ll understand when the time comes.

We drove from Hillsboro Ohio just outside of Cincinnati and are arriving to our new little home four hundred and thirty miles away in Lenoir North Carolina.

We pulled fifteen year old Kevvy away from his good friend Marshal who he grew up with. Our family is quite close with Marshal and his mom. Four hundred and thirty miles will decide how close we remain.

Kelly and Kevvy are sound asleep as I drive down a main road leading to our place. There are storefronts, restaurants we are familiar with, and even a beautiful looking bowling alley just before the turn off. I remember bowling.

The landscape is lush, an inspiration for a poem. Let me get my pen. Children play on long lawns leading up to well crafted newly built homes. There’s ours. One story ranch, tanish in color, cultivated lawn, white picket fence. Geez, it sounds like a fairy-tale.

A window next to the garage tempts me to call the room my office. A view of the street, that works for me. I am a cartoonist. Yes, I draw pictures and scribble a joke underneath. I call it a job and I still allow myself to get stressed. Yep, I‘m the guy that average workers want to slap across the head and say, give me a break pansy! For the record it’s not the job that works me to a frenzy, it’s the thoughts eating away at my hopeless brain. A pansy in a frenzy.

“Honey, we’re home!”

Kelly rubs her eyes. “Wow. It’s still as beautiful as it was three weeks ago.”

“What the hell is this under my ass? Ow! Shoot it’s the damn seat belt buckle.” Kevvy stretches and grunts.

“Watch your mouth!”

“I didn’t curse ma.”

“You said damn.”

“So?”

“Welcome home guys.”

“Great Jim. Shall we get our gloves and throw the ball around now?” Kevvy is sarcastic.

“If that’s what you want to do smartass.”

“See mom. That’s where I get it.”

“Jim.”

“Relax Kelly. Look at this place.” We walk up to the front door. Inside is gorgeous. Wood floors, ceiling fans, a view of a lake out back from the large sliding glass doors.

“Where’s Kevvy?”

“He just went that way.”

“Kevvy?”

“What?”

“Where are you?”

“I’m in my room.” Kevvy lies down, his back on the floor with legs crossed while reading a motorcycle magazine.

“I have to take a walk.”

“Jim, don’t start this crap again.”

“I’ll be right back.” I use the sliding glass door to escape towards the lake. I don’t know why I get this feeling but it’s not the first time. I begin to panic and I don’t have a reason to panic. I am fearing made up things in my mind. I’m dizzy, shaky, hot, cold, confused. I don’t want to walk too close to the lake for fear that I may jump in. If Kevvy was next to me, would I push him in? What about Kelly? The thoughts race. Am I losing my mind? What the hell is wrong with me? I try not to cry or make an ass of myself. I feel a tear. I would let it drop so not to draw attention but no one is around so I wipe it.

What if I had a real job? In an office in the city. I’d have to walk or run away whenever I felt this way. What if I worked on a construction site? I could end up killing myself. Or at a store assisting customers. I could embarrass myself. How would I handle that? Could I handle that? Would I have to be put away?

CHAPTER TWO

In Kevvy’s room at a poker table, our only piece of furniture, I sip wine, Kevvy, a soda. He looks at me eyes raised from the magazine. “Fun trip Jim?”

“It wasn’t so bad. You guys slept through the beautiful parts.”

“Not that trip. You’re attack by the lake.”

“Shhhh! Your mother!”

“She’s out.”

“I know but you never know.”

“Thanks for making sense.” Kevvy looks back down at the magazine. I can’t help but smile at his comment.

“It wasn’t enjoyable.”

“I could tell.” He looks over the magazine once again. “You gotta do something about that. It’s scary. I know you tried everything but this is crazy.”

“Don’t say crazy.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I have to look into more solutions.” I am doubtful as to there being any solutions. I don’t want to be so negative in front of the kid though. He lost his father for God’s sake. He doesn’t need his dad’s replacement snapping out or bringing him down.

Kevvy lost his dad, a fireman who saved a child before going back into a building to die himself. A hero. How can I ask this kid to call me dad? His dad was a hero for crying out loud. The only memory he has of his dad is that motorcycle magazine. Maybe if he did call me dad all these weird feelings would go away. If it wasn’t for that child burning in that building, we wouldn’t have what we have now. Why was I put into this poor kid’s life? There has to be a reason. I over analyze as always.

Kelly enters. She puts down her packages and rambles on without coming up for air. “Kevvy, I saw a bunch of kids skateboarding, cute girls watching. A pizza place down the road. I picked up these little decorations.” A ceramic bird and glass ornaments. “There is other stuff in the car. Give me a hand guys.” Kevvy claps. “Not that kind of hand. I ordered some furniture. The stores are so nice. The people are friendly. The air is pure. Why didn’t we do this sooner?”

“It’s a treat ma.” Kevvy follows her to the car.

“I spoke to your grandmother. She’ll be here in two days.”

I begin to follow with those words echoing in my head as everything seems like slow motion. “She’ll be here in two days.” The words bounce around my brain uncontrollably. Couldn’t I get away from these people for at least a week? Why did we come here? My mind becomes clogged. “Two days.” I need to sit. I crouch down on the grass.

Kelly is not pleased. “What now?”

“Let him relax ma. He drove a long way.”

Kevvy to my rescue. I knew I liked this kid for a reason. I wish he could call me dad. Why did his father die? Am I going to die? How am I going to die? When I die do I just go away like it was before I was born? Nothing? Or is there really a heaven and a hell? Can it be worse than my nightmares? Am I doomed to frightening images for eternity? Will I have faculties while lying in a box forever? The thoughts race back to Kelly’s big news. “She’ll be here in two days.”

CHAPTER THREE

Two days pass. It’s time for grandma to join us in our tranquil getaway. Oh joy! Kelly’s mom isn’t the worst of people but she can be a royal pain in the ass at times. I know her husband is responsible for this little trip. He just couldn’t wait for us to move far away so he could ship her off to give himself a vacation. I envy that son of a gun.

He stands, feet planted in the ground on a golf course. He eases back his nine iron and whacks a ball. “Man I never felt so alive! It’s all in the follow through.”

He makes the best of his time wife free while I stand in the driveway to greet his basket of joy. “Hi mom.”

The driver smiles at me with his hand out.

“What do I owe you my good man?”

“Thirty one eleven sir.”

Mom pulls her bag from the back seat. She has no intention of paying. Her face lights up when she sees me. It lights up more when seeing the house. I imagine that hugging her would be immensely uncomfortable.

She approaches. “Hello Jim. Good to see you.” No hug. I am relieved.

Kelly emerges from the house. “Mom!” She runs to hug her as if they hadn’t seen each other two days ago. I’d have to come back a prisoner of war after ten years to get her to run to me like that.

Inside they sit down to coffee with a talk show on the TV. “You’re looking good Jim.”

“Yep. A lot has changed in the last two days.”

“Where’s Kevvy? I bet he got big.”

“Yea, we had to put him in the garage. He can’t fit in the front door anymore.”

“Jim.” Kelly is stern.

“Yea, yea. I got some work to do.”

“Right, go scribble some pictures.”

Again it’s not the most strenuous of work, but some comments are not called for. My scribbling pays for everything we have. I feel useless enough without my work being put down.

I look through a box that I begin to unpack. There it is, my half a trophy. I once won an award for my art skill. It came in two parts and over the years only the top piece remained. I read the trophy. “For an outstanding performance in the field of art.” My name is engraved below “James Pickaney.”

The bottom piece was just a base. There was no engraving or anything special on it. The trophy just can’t stand up without it. I throw the trophy into the closet. This is the beginning of my new unorganized office.

I take a seat at my desk looking out the window. “Inspiration. Give me some.” A bird, children, a random automobile. I draw a picture of a bird driving an automobile. A child leaps over it. He drops a large portion of yogurt from his cup, it lands on the windshield. The bird makes a fist. The caption, “Darn kids!”

Kevvy looks over my shoulder. “You need help.”

“What did I tell you about that? You’re gonna put me closer to those padded walls.”

“Sorry Jim. It is a clever one.” He picks up the doodle. “It’s like when a bird craps on a person’s car right?”

“Can’t put nothing past this valedictorian to be. Speaking of that, how’s the new school?”

“So far so good. Just a bit uncomfortable around one girl. She gets up and walks out of the classroom sometimes with no explanation.”

That might be strange for Kevvy to grasp but not me. At one time I can recall doing something similar. I was close to Kevvy’s age when I had one of those nutty feelings I get from time to time.

An early Sunday morning mass. I begin to panic and I don’t have a reason to panic. I fear made up things in my mind. I tell myself I have to run screaming out of the church. I leave, but without running and screaming. My main concern was what the people around me thought.

“Don’t take for granted that you are somewhat normal. You should be there for people like that girl if your help is needed.”

CHAPTER FOUR

An average size classroom, a mixture of ethnic backgrounds, some students gathered by a desk in the back. Two burnouts at the window. One blows cigarette smoke outside, Nopoly, he gets the name from his famous Monopoly board game. The other keeps an eye out for the teacher, Bagger. He gets his nick name from always having beer in a brown bag in his locker.

A cute brunette, Carm sits alone in the back corner. Kevvy takes the seat beside her. “Hi.”

“Hey.” She pops her gum and turns the other way.

The teacher, early forties, tall, light hair, Mr. Quinn enters. Nopoly quickly drops the cigarette outside. It doesn’t make it to the ground. It burns on the ledge beside the window.

“Okay let’s settle down and take our seats.”

Bagger stands above Kevvy. “Dude, you’re in my seat.”

“If that’s how you do things here.”

An African American kid, James turns around. “You just listen to Bagger and get up.” He appears angry.

“Whatever you say.” He looks to Bagger. “Beggar.”

The class lets out a groan. “Oooooooh!”

Carm smiles and nods at Kevvy approvingly while chewing loudly.

Bagger watches Kevvy find a new seat. “We’ll talk after class you and me.”

The class groans again. “Oooooooh!”

Mr. Quinn steps towards the boys. “No one will be talking after class Bagger. Unless it is you and I.”

The class lets out another one.

“Okay guys that’s enough.” He begins the history lesson.

Ten minutes in Kevvy gets hit in the back of the head with a chalkboard eraser. He leaps from his seat and turns around in a boxing stance. The class laughs. He sits back down and laughs himself. Mr. Quinn picks up the eraser and motions for Bagger to follow him into the hall. Before they step out Mr. Quinn notices the cigarette burning outside the window. The class silenced.

Once the two leave the room the class becomes noisy with conversations spread around.

“New boy! You’re okay with me.”

“Got yourself in trouble with the wrong dude.”

“He ain’t so bad. Don’t sweat it.”

“I’m glad I’m not you.”

The same African American boy, James, sits turned in his seat just staring at Kevvy. He shakes his head.

Carm approaches Kevvy and hands him a note. She stands for a moment, stares, then heads out of the room looking fearful.

Mr. Quinn re-enters alone. “Okay. Okay. No harm Harold. The fun is over get in your seats.”

Kevvy appears worried yet confused. “No harm Harold?”

CHAPTER FIVE

Kelly approaches me at my desk with a request. “Hi hun.” She stands behind me and rubs my shoulders. It’s obvious she needs a favor.

“What do you need or what did you lose?”

“I resent that.”

“Oh, you’re just being friendly?”

“Is that shocking?”

“No, it’s exactly why I had to marry you.”

“Would you mind taking mom to bowling league since you’re in such a good mood?”

“So you didn’t lose anything. Why can’t you take her? And when the hell did she find time to join a bowling league?”

“A nice lady from the market, Lucy. They hit it right off. She’s from Dayton. Small world. Their almost the same age, mom is younger. They both like Elton John. Her dad back in Dayton is having some legal issues. Some company, Crosdale is threatening to sue him over supposed faulty machinery he used years ago when he had a business.”

“She’s only here a day and a half and she finds a bowling league? Couldn’t she have used that energy to find a motel?”

“Please take her.”

I start to worry as Kelly begins to leave my office. My fears and ‘what if’ thinking take over. I don’t want to drive her, what if I snap in the car? What if I have to walk her inside? What if I decide to throw her out of the moving car? On the other hand. “Honey, when will she be ready to go?”

“She’ll be out front waiting for you. Thanks sweety!”

We back out of the driveway. Kevvy rides his bike into the garage, a hand covering his nose and mouth. “You okay Kev?”

“Fine Jim.” His voice is muffled. He hurries inside.

Mom and I slow down at a red light. A very annoying commercial begins to play on the radio. I look at the volume knob. Mom looks at me and clears her throat as if preparing to begin a conversation. I can’t have that.

She sits with her purse in her lap, hands folded over it. She sighs, attempts to comment about the weather. I reach over, raise the volume of the commercial. She stifles and returns to gazing out the window with a sad face. I think I brought on a feeling that reminds her of her husband in Ohio.

Her husband, grandpa, stands on the green, a flag sticks out of a hole with an eighteen as clear as can be on it. His partner sinks a ball. “It’s all in the follow through.” Grandpa lights his cigar and reaches over to light his partners. “Does the air taste sweeter the last two days or is it me?”

Finally, we reach the bowling alley. Lucy stands out front waving. Short, brunette, big smile, big bowling bag. Mom couldn’t just let me go. “Wait Jim. I want you to meet Lucy.”

“Great.” Now what? Do I get out of the car? Do we shake hands? Do I kiss her cheek? I need this.

CHAPTER SIX

After the bowling tour I get back to the house. Kelly is in an uproar over Kevvy’s bloody nose.

“Ma relax.”

“What happened to you?”

“A bully in his class, that’s what happened to him.”

“He’s not a bully, he’s a burnout.”

“Sucker punch?”

“Yep.”

“Please Jim.”

“What?”

“I’m going up to talk to your principal.”

“Ma!”

“You can’t do that sweetheart.”

“Your ass I can’t.”

“Then lend him one of your dresses to wear tomorrow.”

“Yea ma, the pink one should do the trick.”

“See? Now you got him using those man responses.”

“You’d rather?”

“Oh shut up.” Kelly walks out. “I’m going to get you a cold rag.”

“So is he a big guy?”

“Big enough. But I can take him in a fair fight.”

“Just don’t do it on school grounds. You could get suspended. And she don’t need that.” I motion to the door where Kelly exited.

“You’re telling me. Besides, Bagger got a week for this. And he just came off a week for smoking in the boy’s room.”

“Bagger?”

“Imagine?”

Kelly runs back in with a cold rag, immediately places it on the swollen nose.

“Thanks ma.” Kevvy holds it on his nose and heads out. “I got some reading to do.”

He gets comfortable on his floor next to the poker table and opens the motorcycle magazine. He places the note from Carm inside and begins to read it. “Kevvy. I know you don’t know me well, but there is something about you that makes me feel open. Boy do I need to share this with someone.” He gets a nervous feeling in his stomach and notices Kelly standing by his bedroom door. He quickly closes the magazine and tosses it into a box of books and papers.

“By the way Kevvy, I have good news.”

“What?”

“Guess who’s coming for a visit?”

“Who?”

“Guess.”

“Who?”

“Guess.”

“This can go on all night. Grandpa?”

“No.”

“Ma.”

“Okay. Marshal and Gwen are coming down. Gwen is bringing her new friend Jeff.”

“Excellent! When?”

“Next weekend. Are you excited?”

“Who’s Jeff? Another boyfriend?”

“Stop it.”

Just as I make my way by Kev’s door Kelly shares the news.

“Oh Jim, I was just telling Kevvy about our house guests next week.”

No! Please God no! Who now? My mind races. This is not happy news. “Who honey?”

“Better tell him ma. I don’t think he’ll enjoy the guessing game as much as I did.”

“Gwen, Marshal and Jeff from back home.”

“Jeff?”

“Gwen’s new friend.”

“Another one?”

“You’ll like him. Give him a shot.” She’s been telling me to give Gwen’s boyfriends a shot for five years and every six months it’s a different guy.

“I’m still giving her last eleven guys a shot. Where are they?”

“Jim.”

“I guess they’ll be staying in my office?” Those words just make it out before the room begins to spin. I hear Kelly speaking but I can’t make out a word. I make my way to the front door as her voice gets louder and blurrier. Kevvy takes her by the arm.

“Ma, Jim hasn’t been feeling so great. Let him walk it off.”

“He needs to grow up and let us spend time with our friends instead of worrying where they’ll be sleeping.”

“So they won’t be staying in his office?”

“Of course they will.”

CHAPTER SEVEN

I wake up in our bedroom with the radio playing. I hear a commercial that seems to be intended directly for me. “Do you have those feelings of anxiety? They come in the form of dizzy spells, nervousness, heart palpitations. Do you wonder if this could be your last day?”

I have to jump up and make sure I’m not dreaming. “Oh my God! That is me! I’m not alone?” This is the opening of the largest, heaviest, most destructive door I felt would be locked shut forever.

I slowly sit at the edge of the bed to hear the rest. It is hard to believe that there is an answer to the beyond normal feelings I have had throughout most of my life.

I grab a pen and a piece of paper to jot down the phone number given. “A normal life?”

“Are you okay in here honey?” Kelly walks in slowly.

“Never been better apple of my eye.”

“You’re not drinking in the middle of the day are you?”

I make the call.

Kev hollers from his room. “Maaaaaa!”

She turns around and heads out.

“Ma? Where’s the box my magazines were in?” Kevvy stands in his bedroom doorway.

“I think grandma has them. She was in the reading mood.”

“Oh perfect.”

“Before you start with that, why don’t you take a ride to the airport with me to meet Marshal and Gwen?”

“Sure thing.” He forgets about Carm’s note for the moment.

I stand by our bedroom door. Even though the comforting words of Lucinda are still fresh in my mind, some anxiety from the thought of the house guests takes over. How did a week go by so fast? Why do they need these friends? Why can’t anyone find a damn motel?

“Honey! We’re off to the airport!” Kelly seems too happy. I don’t want to take away from that.

“How wonderful.”

“Glad you are in favor of company.” Kelly and Kevvy hurry out.

CHAPTER EIGHT

I sit at my desk holding my pencil between my nose and upper lip. Big band music plays on the radio, a half drawn cartoon strip sits in front of me. Kelly pulls up with a car load. I notice none of it.

Kelly walks in quietly and makes her way to the kitchen. Gwen follows angrily. Kevvy and Marshal wander over towards the lake.

“That was fun.” Kelly is sarcastic.

“I don’t know why I brought him here.”

“Some of his words weren’t curses.”

“Even if he needs to get stupefied to get on a plane it doesn’t mean he should embarrass me every chance he gets.”

“You need to talk to him when he sobers up.” Kelly makes her way towards my office while Gwen continues to follow.

“If he sobers up.”

“Here is Jim’s new office.” Kelly pauses as they both see me in a trance with my pencil still between my nose and upper lip. “And here is my screwball husband.” The pencil falls to the desk.

“At least yours is sober.”

I am obviously a bit embarrassed. “Hey Gwen. Welcome.”

A loud slam comes from out front. Visible from the window, a man staggers from our car. I stand and start toward the door in anger. “What the hell is this guy doing to our car?”

“Honey no.”

“Jim it’s okay.”

“We’ll see how okay it is.”

Kelly stops herself from calling to me. “Let’s just see what happens Gwen.”

“We can’t do that.”

“You’re right. Jim might hurt him.”

“On second thought, let him go.”

“I can’t.” Kelly hollers from the window. “Jim don’t!”

I grab the man and throw him against the car. A small airplane liquor bottle falls from his jacket to the ground. He grunts and takes an aimless swing.

I toss him to the ground where the liquor bottle bursts on his back. “What are you doing to my car moron?”

“Jim no! Don’t! It’s Jeff!”

Kevvy and Marshal look on from the side of the house. Marshal laughs and pats Kevvy’s shoulder.

I am stunned but proud. “Why didn’t you say something?”

Gwen is still angry with Jeff, just a bit concerned now. “Is he okay?”

“Let him rest.” I lift his hand to pick him up off the ground. He weighs a ton from being liquored up. “Oh shoot. His back is bleeding. I better get him inside to sleep it off.”

“Not on our good sheets.”

“Kelly.”

“Sorry Gwen. It’s just that everything in the house is new.”

“We’ll cover his back with a towel.”

“Are you two gonna make small talk or help me put this carnival act inside.”

“Jim.”

“Sorry Gwen, he’s just so.” I wave my hand in front of my nose. “Did they tap a keg in the seat next to his? He smells like a reused barf bag.”

“I’m sorry you guys. He has to get like this in order to fly.”

“At least he can fly. I start shaking if I have to drive passed the airport.” One flight was enough to know that planes are off limits for me. I almost walked out of one before take off. If the door hadn’t shut before I got out of my seat, I just may have.

It was a 727 from Cincinnati to Miami. What was supposed to be a vacation was nothing but a huge stress producer.

Just before taxiing to the runway my nerves become unsettled. As usual I begin to panic and I don’t have a reason to panic. Again I fear imaginary things in my mind. I feel trapped. Sweat pours down my forehead as I take off my seatbelt and take two steps forward.

A stewardess approaches. “Sir, you have to remain seated.”

I react quickly. “I think I’m going to puke.”

Kelly, who was my girlfriend at the time tugs on my shirt. “Vomit Jim.”

“I’m trying to honey.”

“No, it’s vomit, not puke.”

The stewardess answers back. “That is what the bags are for sir.” She reaches over for a bag. I cover my mouth with it and begin breathing in and out as if hyperventilating. She eases me back into my seat. “Seatbelt sir.”

Kelly leans over. “I got it. Thanks for your help.”

I slowly calm myself and notice that we are in the air. Peaceful blue skies and soft white clouds.

CHAPTER NINE

In the morning before school, beneath peaceful blue skies and soft white clouds, Kevvy stands out by the lake with a magnifying glass in his hand over an ant hill. Marshal walks over to him.

“So what do you do down here in Carolina for fun?”

“Burn bugs, look at girls, analyze my step dad. I got a skateboard!”

“What’s wrong with your step dad?”

“Nothin. He just goes through some periods when he needs a friend. I bet if I called him dad, he’d be all better.”

“So why not call him dad?”

“What would my real dad think?”

“Your real dad? Huh, he’s in a place where it’s all rainbows and pleasure. He’s probably yellin at you to call the poor dude dad. After all, sufferin is down here. Not up there where hero firemen rest in an eternal cocktail party. You got to do what makes the people around you happy.” “Maybe. So what else are they teachin in the old school?”

“You remember last years lesson, bein white ain't cool, this year it’s bein male ain’t cool. Suppose next year’ll be livin ain’t cool.”

“I hear ya. Same shit here.” Kevvy looks down at the ant hill then back at Marshal. “I’m in some trouble.”

“What’s wrong?” He is sincerely interested.

“Got in a fight last week. The kid comes back from suspension today.”

“Want me to stop by?”

CHAPTER TEN

The class is silent when Kevvy enters. They all stare including Bagger who sits by the window with Nopoly. James also stares. He sits two seats in front of the desk where Kevvy puts his books down.

Carm sits across chewing her gum. She appears displeased and nervous towards Kevvy.

Kevvy thinks to himself. “Dammit. This asshole is back.” He looks to Bagger who is attempting to stare him down. “And now I got Carm still giving me an attitude.” He looks at Carm who won’t give him the satisfaction of a stare down. “The note! That’s why she’s mad!” He finally realizes why she has been so cold towards him the last few days. His mind clogged with Bagger’s anger, Marshal’s visit, and my abnormalities steered him away from Carm’s note. He stops thinking to himself and blurts out just as the class settles. “So what the hell did grandma do with my magazine?”

“Something you need to share?” Mr. Quinn rests his briefcase on his desk. The class laughs.

“Sorry Mr. Quinn. I just thought of something.”

Bagger doesn’t let it go. “Yea, his grandma’s porn.”

“Shut the ffff.” Kevvy stops himself. “Keep it up beggar.”

The class provokes the issue. “Ohhhhhhh!”

Mr. Quinn tackles the matter before it can spawn a crisis. “That’s enough! I want to see both of you after class and if either of you let out another sound without permission it will be more than a weeks suspension!” He makes himself clear loudly and abruptly. The class is silenced.

Kevvy begins to write an apology note. “Carm, I am so sorry. I began to read your note and I was interrupted. Somehow a family member got it when I placed it in a magazine. I am very interested in the problem you are having. Let’s talk when you have time. Kev.”

Just as Kevvy puts his pen down Carm gets up and walks out of the classroom. Mr. Quinn has a sympathetic look. Kevvy folds the note and places it in the back of his notebook. Moments pass and the bell rings. Kevvy and Bagger remain seated as the class empties.

Mr. Quinn asks them both to take a seat up front. Kevvy leaves his notebook on the desk behind.

“I am not going to have this nonsense continuing in my class. You do not have to be best friends but if this childish fighting and disruptiveness reoccurs I will have no choice but to bring your parents in for a discussion and suspensions or even expulsion. Do I make myself clear?”

Bagger has a completely confused stare. Apparently Mr. Quinn’s vocabulary went over his head. Kevvy on the other hand has a look of satisfaction. “Yes sir Mr. Quinn.”

“Thank you Kevvy. You may go now. Bagger, I didn’t hear an answer from you.”

Kevvy enters the hallway and walks to his locker.

Mr. Quinn continues to attempt getting through to Bagger. “This will not go on any longer. I can’t have it and I won’t have it.”

“Okay.”

“Now go home and stay out of trouble.”

“Okay.”

Mr. Quinn looks to the back of the room. “Kevvy left his notebook.”

“I’ll take it to him.”

Mr. Quinn appears apprehensive about trusting Bagger. “I guess there’s no harm in returning a notebook.”

Bagger picks up the book, the note falls to the floor. He picks it up, reads it, smirks and puts it in his pocket.

In front of the school Marshal meets Kevvy. They stand talking as Bagger walks by and drops the notebook at Kevvy’s feet. “You forgot your book.” He walks off. Marshal is annoyed but holds his tongue.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

In the late afternoon Jeff begins to wake and sober up. He lies on the couch in my office like a patient at a psychiatrist. He should probably get used to that look.

On the television is an exercise show that Jeff obviously doesn’t watch to join in. Aerobic Donna’s voice can be heard. “And one and two and three and one.” I find the remote to lower it.

Jeff smirks. “I like when she does that stretch right there.” He points. “Imagine people doing this at their homes. Get a life.”

“Yea, imagine?” I don’t want to laugh to his face. We make our acquaintance, this time he’ll remember it. “Sorry about the bottle and your back.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind. You wouldn’t remember.”

“You’re right.”

“Take a ride with me?”

“Sure. Where to?”

“The bowling alley, where else?”

“I don’t get it.”

“Inside joke. Mother in-law issues.”

“Can we stop at the liquor store?”

“Didn’t you have enough?”

Before we get to the car I notice my package from Midwest at the front door. My stomach becomes nervous. I fear Jeff questioning the package. I excuse myself for a moment to run inside and stash it under my bed.

Kelly walks from our bathroom brushing her teeth. “What are you hiding?”

“I’m not hiding. I’m just in a rush to get your mother.”

“I wish you wouldn’t put things under the bed.”

“Please just leave it.”

“If it’s still there tonight I’m moving it.”

“Just don’t touch it please.”

She turns back around to the sink. Why does she have to question everything I do? Just leave my package alone. Do I question her eighty five bags of useless litter every time she comes home from an adventurous shopping spree?

Jeff and I leave.

After the trip to the liquor store we sit in front of the bowling alley waiting for mom to come out. Jeff sits with a bottle of gin in a brown bag between his legs and a small flask in his hand that he sips from.

“I thought you only drank when you flew.”

“Trust me, I’m still flying.”

“I don’t mean to get personal.”

“Then don’t.”

A Cadillac pulls up next to us. Two typical mafia type gangsters, Ghado and Alfonzo stare into my car. I look away to avoid conflict. Jeff doesn’t notice them.

Just as the taller, meaner of the two opens his door, mom exits the bowling alley with Lucy and they walk towards us. Ghado stands against his car door with a smug look. “Afternoon ladies.” His horse voice could frighten a pit bull. The ladies nod in fear and continue to the car.

“Hello Jimmy.” Lucy remembers me from the last time.

“Hello hun.”

She walks to her car.

Mom gets in the back seat of mine. Jeff and I continue to talk not paying much attention to her.

“Sorry I snapped at you.” Jeff is sincere.

“That’s okay.”

Mom’s face in the rearview mirror reveals curiosity. How could me and a complete stranger sound closer than me and my own mother in-law?

“I am in a little trouble.”

“You sure you want to discuss it now?” I nod towards the mirror.

“I kinda owe some people some money.”

“Kinda?”

“I owe some people some money.”

“What kinda people?”

“Bad people.”

“Do they know where you are?”

“I hope not. That’s the reason I came here with Gwen and Marshal. The only reason. My fear of these people is bigger than my fear of airplanes.”

Mom soaks it all in.

We pull up to the house. I excuse myself from Jeff to begin my lessons on dealing with anxiety and depression.

Kelly walks from our bathroom again, this time brushing her hair. “Now you’re going to listen to music? You could be entertaining Jeff.” She is not aware that I am trying to get over my problems.

“It’s not music. It’s soothing for the soul. Don’t you ever leave that bathroom?”

“Just put that stuff where I don’t have to see it or trip over it.”

“Thanks dear.”

She leaves me with my lessons. Maybe she has a clue that there is a connection to my episodes and the soothing tapes.

CHAPTER TWELVE

Jeff and Gwen discuss Jeff’s issues in the kitchen. She is terribly angry. “I thought the drinking was only for the plane. You have to stop this! You embarrass me. You talk nonsense. You act like a real fool.”

“We can’t go back home.”

“What are you talking about?”

“There are some problems I had to escape from.”

“What problems?”

“I can’t say.”

“You better say.”

“What am I going to do?”

“About what?”

“It has to do with money.”

“How much money?”

“Quite a lot. What kind of a guy do you think Jim is?”

“He’s very creative. You can’t ask him for money.”

“Creative?”

“Extremely.”

“Maybe he can help.”

“I don’t want to know.”

“You weren’t going to.”

I walk in and they both become very quiet. “Did I interrupt you two beautiful people discussing something?” The introduction tape and session one nailed all of my problems on the head. I feel like being nice to everyone and feel as if my anxiety has vanished.

“You’re happy.”

“And why shouldn’t I be? I have a great family.” I stick my head into the refrigerator looking for soda. “Excellent house guests and a wonderful job. Plenty of reasons to smile.”

“Maybe you should get his help before he comes down off of this high.”

“Good idea honey.”

I continue to glance around. “Where is that soda?”

“It’s usually in there. Sometimes you just have to move things around in order to find it.”

“You’re right Gwen. It’s right behind the milk.”

Jeff clears his throat. “Jim, can we talk in your office?”

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Bagger and Nopoly sit in a smoke filled abandoned apartment. Cartoons on the television with the volume on full blast, a few beer cans around the room. A Monopoly game board sits on the floor with the money and pieces spread around unorganized.

Nopoly begins to babble as Bagger stares at a wall. “How can you have board games, skate boards, surf boards, billboards, a board of directors, a board of education and be bored all at the same time? Am I a bore? Is a wild pig a boar, a swine, a hog?”

“Oh.”

“Dude were you listening to me?”

They begin to laugh.

“You gonna do anything about that new kid?”

“His days are numbered but I can’t get suspended no more. My parents are planning on sending me to a military school. That can’t happen. What am I gonna take up knitting like my mother?”

“That’s tough.”

“I gotta be good.” He recalls the note. “Carm has some kind of problem she writes to him about.” He pulls the page from his pocket, unfolds it and passes it over.

Nopoly reads it. He makes strange faces while taking excessive time to finish it. “Anymore beer around or is it all in your locker?”

“There’s one over there I think.” Bagger points at the wall.

“That’s a wall.”

“It’s probably time to leave.” Bagger slowly makes his way up off the floor. “How do you feel about the gas station job?”

“They really hold enough in that safe for all of us to be set for life.”

“Ain’t that just crazy?”

“Those guys are gonna share?”

“They got no choice we’re the talent. They’re Virginia sissies.”

“I wonder what Carm’s problem is.”

They both laugh while stumbling to the door.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Jeff comes clean about his dealings with the wrong people. He borrowed close to a hundred thousand dollars from a loan shark gangster type in Cincinnati a month before the trip. “My health hasn’t been so good lately so I figured I’d go out with a bang. Now I’m still here and I have to pay up.”

“You scare me man.”

“These guys scare me.”

I think back to the Cadillac that parked next to us at the bowling alley. “What kind of health problems? I guess all the drinking don’t help.”

“Stuff I’d rather not get into.”

“I can relate.”

Kelly stops by my office door. “Jim? Do you know anything about a Carm?”

“Only that I’ve been a lot more since I started the tapes.”

“Huh?”

“Calm. They relax me.”

“I didn’t say calm. I said Carm.”

“What’s that?”

“I was asking if you heard of her.”

Jeff thinks for a moment. “I knew a Carm in Cincinnati. No, I’m wrong, it was Carla. Never mind.”

“Thanks Jeff.”

Kelly looks at Jeff as if he has a third eye. She tugs my shirt and begins to walk to the door. “Honey. Can we talk outside?”

“Yea, it was Carla.” Jeff is in the middle of a thought.

“Sure.” I walk out with Kelly.

“That guy is a weirdo.”

“Are you surprised? He’s with Gwen.”

“I guess not. Look, mom found this note in a magazine. What do you think?”

I give it a quick read. “I think you and mom should mind your own business and give it back to Kev.”

“But what if this Carm is a problem or has real problems?”

“Maybe you should hold Kev’s hand all the way to school and sit in on his classes.”

“I’m serious.”

“Kev’s a bright kid.”

“I don’t know. He’s never been involved with girls before. Do you think it was a good idea coming here?”

“Here or there, girls would be part of his life. Would you rather him involved with boys?”

“Jim.”

“Not that I mind that sort of thing but it could be uncomfortable for people who were never around it.”

“I certainly don’t want him involved with boys.”

“Coward.”

“Funny.” Kelly walks away toward Kevvy’s room.

Jeff stares at me from inside my office. He looks worried. “Liquor store?”

“You finished all of that already?”

“I got a lot on my mind.”

Kevvy sits on his new bed going through his school books. He is distraught. Papers and books are spread out on the poker table. “Where the hell is it? Dammit!”

“Kevvy!” Kelly stands at the door concerned over his anger.

“I just lost something important ma.”

“Is this it?” She holds out the note.

“Where’d you find this?”

“Grandma had it in a magazine.”

“This is the other one. Did you read it?”

“No.”

“Ma.”

“Yea. I’m sorry. I couldn’t help it.”

“I guess grandma read it too.”

“Yea, and Jim.”

“Jim? Why Jim? This is my note and I’m the only one who hasn’t read it. Did Jim put it in one of his cartoons for the world to read?”

“Now stop it Kev. Nobody reads his cartoons anyway.” Whenever possible she takes a shot at what I do. That doesn’t really encourage the self help issues.

“Thanks.” Kevvy guides Kelly out of his room and he shuts the door to read the note in private.

He makes himself comfortable on his bed once again and begins to read. “Kevvy. I know you don’t know me well, but there is something about you that makes me feel open. Boy do I need to share this with someone.” Kevvy hears Kelly by the door once again. “Ma! What is it now?”

“Sorry Kev. I’ll just slide this beneath the door.” She slides the motorcycle magazine under.

Kevvy appears angry. He walks over to the door, picks up the magazine, looks at the door, makes a fist and a displeased face. He looks as if he is going to holler in irritation. A smile overtakes his face. “Thanks ma.” He is sincere.

He sits back on the bed and begins once again. “Kevvy. I know you don’t know me well, but there is something about you that makes me feel open. Boy do I need to share this with someone. Over the last two years I have had strange feelings in my mind and body. Things that I need to speak about pretty badly. Sometimes I feel like being female ain’t cool. Please don’t make me sorry for choosing you as the one to open up to. Carm.”

Kevvy looks confused. “Why me?”

Marshal walks in. “What cha doin?”

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Kevvy enters the classroom nervously. The students are spread out as usual. He walks to Carm. “Hi. I’d like to speak to you about things if you’re not too upset with me.”

Her angry face fades. She looks down and then back at Kevvy. “That would be nice. Are you busy after class?”

Bagger and Nopoly look on from their usual pre-class position. “Is the new kid gonna make all Carm’s problems go away?”

Carm appears insanely irate. “I picked you to trust? Of all the people you could tell, you chose them?” She stands.

“No Carm!”

She runs out.

At first Kevvy chases her. Before he reaches the door he stops and stares at the two by the window. An act of rage overcomes him. He charges Bagger. The class rises to cheer on the fight.

Kevvy grabs Bagger and slams him to the window. His head crashes against it leaving a crack in the glass. For a quick moment he recalls me throwing Jeff to the ground as he does the same to Bagger.

Mr. Quinn enters furiously and throws Kevvy to one side and Nopoly to the other before a second fight ensues.

Kevvy is alarmingly infuriated. “Quinn! Get your hands off of me! They stole personal property from my notebook! I want them expelled!” He pulls Mr. Quinn’s hands off of his shirt and jerks them to the sides. Mr. Quinn recalls Kevvy’s notebook left on the desk.

The class is stupefied as Kevvy runs out in search of Carm.

He catches her just as she is exiting the building. “Carm! Wait!”

She is crying. “Why would you do that to someone?”

“I didn’t. He stole.”

“It’s probably my fault. I picked the wrong person to open up to.”

“You didn’t.”

“I’m always wrong. I’m a miserable failure.”

“Stop that.”

“I shouldn’t be surprised. I can’t do anything right.” She sits down under an outdoor passage way that leads to the gym.

“That is no way to talk to yourself.”

“What do you know about talking to yourself? I could have told you to call him Norman so many times but I didn’t.”

A group of football players run by with their cleats clacking on the pavement. One pats Kevvy on the shoulder.

Carm watches them and looks back at Kevvy.

“I’m not the one who ran out of class getting my sleeves soaked.”

She looks at her tear stained sleeves. “That’s not fair.”

“I’m just making a point.” Kevvy puts his hand out. “Come for a walk?” He lifts her up. They begin to walk.

“Aren’t you going to be in trouble?”

“I guess.”

“Then why don’t you go back to explain to Mr. Quinn?”

“Some things are more important.”

Carm smiles. She has a look of love and trust.

“So what exactly do you feel the problem is?”

She becomes quiet while taking a few more steps. They continue to hold hands. “It’s hard to explain. I get dizzy, shaky, off balance. Sometimes chest pains, sweats, I feel like I am going to lose my mind.” She looks to Kevvy. “Maybe I’m telling you too much.”

“No, not at all. You actually sound like someone close to me.”

“Are you serious? I feel like I’m the only one that gets this. My doctor calls it attention deficit disorder, A.D.D. They got me on this Ritalin drug. They say it works but I have to disagree.”

“They shouldn’t put you on that. Should they?” The two continue walking.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

After finishing another session of dealing with my anxiety, I sit in my office drawing a cartoon. Concerns fill and boggle my mind. Could Jeff be going through the same discomforts as me? He hides behind that liquor bottle. When I have a few drinks I don’t feel the panic disorder either. He says he has health problems that he’d rather not talk about. I am the same way about mine. He already planned for his death. I do that every time I wake up.

My mind races. I think back to the note from the girl Carm. She must be the girl that continues to leave the classroom. She needs someone to open up to. I also open up to Kev. She has strange feelings in her mind and body. There are things she needs to speak about badly. She is me when I was her age. Sometimes I feel like being a panic victim just ain’t cool.

Can I build up the strength to turn them on to the Lucinda tapes? Should I even bring the tapes up to normal people? Will they think I am crazy? I can see myself leaving that church again. Will I be able to sit through a mass after going through these sessions?

Kelly stands at the door while I hold a pencil and stare at the bookshelf. “Is everything okay Jim?”

“Huh?”

“You don’t look right.”

I tap the pencil against my hand and stare at her for a moment. I lean over and hug my beautiful wife. “I am more than right. We are right.”

She pushes me back an inch. “Where is Jeff’s liquor?” She sniffs in my direction.

“I don’t need that to show you how in love I am.” I pull her in and close the door. Kevvy walks by as it slams. He makes a displeased face and continues to his room.

He slams his door. “Just great. Them touching each other. Just what I want to picture.” There is a knock at his door.

“Open up man.”

He opens the door to see Marshal standing there. “What’s wrong?”

“I had that fight today.”

“Well?”

“I threw him down pretty hard.”

“Awesome.”

“I hope Mr. Quinn thinks so.”

“He knows?”

“He was there.”

“You suspended?”

“I don’t know yet.”

“What?”

“I ran off to find Carm.”

“Dude you’re living a soap opera.”

“Yea, the mindless and the tasteless.”

The phone rings. Kevvy would love to let it ring and have it interrupt Kelly and I but he is too afraid of who could be on the other end. He picks up quickly. “Hello?”

“Kevvy?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to explain yourself before I talk to your dad?”

“If you could talk to my dad I have some messages for him.”

“I’m sorry. He doesn’t live with you I take it.”

“You take it right. He doesn’t live with anyone. He doesn’t live.”

“I am terribly sorry Kevvy.”

“No harm Harold.”

“Uh huh.”

“Those two jack asses stole my notebook with a personal note in it. I’m trying to help Carm with some things.”

“I know about Carm. It is comforting to know you are there for her. Please try to make her days more comfortable.”

“I’m not in trouble?”

“Make a positive change in her life and I’ll forget the whole scene in the classroom.”

“What scene?”

“Exactly.”

They both hang up. Kevvy’s eyes light up. He looks to Marshal. “Relief! I’m off the hook!”

“Really?”

Kelly knocks on his door. “Kevvy honey? Is everything alright in school?”

“Great ma.”

“I’ll call you for dinner.”

“Yea.”

He opens the door as I walk by. “Staying out of trouble?”

“How was my mom?”

“Kevvy, that’s just gross.”

“She would hate to find out that you called her that.”

“Why are you being like this?”

“Why did you read my personal business?”

I look to Marshal. “Could you wait outside for a minute?” I was never so assertive before I started listening to the tapes.

Marshal appears afraid. He walks out as I shut the door. “Have a seat Kev.”

He sits. I sit across from him. “First off, I was the one that insisted your mother give that note back to you. She was afraid that girl was going to get you into trouble.”

“Maybe she was right.”

“What does that mean?”

“I fought that burnout.”

“Oh geez.”

“It’s cool.”

“How?”

“Mr. Quinn just called.”

“I didn’t hear the phone.”

“Your hands were full.” Kevvy makes a repulsed face.

“He knows?”

“He saw.”

“And it’s cool?”

“We made a deal.”

“This should be interesting.”

“I have to make a positive change in Carm’s life and then he’ll forget the fight.”

“Perfect!”

“What if I can’t make a change?”

“I can.”

“How?”

“My tapes. You’ll take the introduction and session one to her. That should be enough for her to realize her situation.”

“That would be a miracle. She’s all messed up on Ritalin and whatever else these so called experts want to stick in her. She’s had A.D.D. since age nine.”

“Like me? All Day Dizziness?”

“Dude, Attention Deficit Disorder.”

“I know what it stands for. It’s all part of anxiety. Dealing with it should be taught in schools at an earlier age.”

“I hope it works. She gets prettier by the minute. I think I’d like to make her a weekend do things with girl.”

“Worry about that when she feels better Romeo.”

Kevvy follows me out towards my bedroom to get the tapes. Marshal jumps back when we exit the room.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Bagger stands against a brick wall in the dark. He hits the guy next to him and speaks quietly. “It’s time.” The guy has long straggly hair and an untrimmed goatee. They both put ski masks over their heads.

Nopoly sits behind the wheel of a long black Chevrolet Caprice in front of a gas station. The engine runs.

Bagger and his accomplice both pull out guns and hurry to the booth where the attendant stands nervously.

“Open the safe moron! Open it now!”

“We know where it is! Open it!”

The attendant shakes and grabs a key from inside his pocket. “J-just a moment.”

The accomplice blows off a shot into the ceiling. “Let’s go! I’m not one to hold grudges, but you’re gonna piss me off.”

The attendant jumps in place. The safe opens. Bundles of cash appear. The two load their bags. The pile seems to go on for miles. They finally finish filling the bags and run for the car where Nopoly sits.

Before they get into the car Bagger grabs the bag from the accomplice and pushes him to the ground. The accomplice’s knee scrapes the cement. Bagger gets in the car and Nopoly floors the gas pedal. The accomplice screams in pain while firing shots at the rear of the car.

They take off down the road and continue to a highway entrance. Bagger pulls his mask off. “Perfect. We got enough here for life.”

Nopoly looks over with a devilish grin. “We can quit school and live in freedom.”

“I can tell Quinn to kiss my rich ass.”

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Kevvy walks into class. Carm’s face lights up. James and the rest of the class stare in suspense waiting for Mr. Quinn. Bagger and Nopoly are no where to be seen.

Mr. Quinn enters. The class is silent. He places his briefcase on his desk. “Good afternoon class.”

They are still silent. Kevvy is the only one to reply. “Good afternoon sir.” He smiles. Mr. Quinn smiles back before turning to the blackboard.

Kevvy reaches down then hands Carm two tapes and a note. She grabs them and opens the paper.

“Beautiful Carm.” She looks over and blushes. “These tapes may be the beginning to your happiness. Listen to them tonight. Think of me if it helps. Love Kev.” She squeezes the page tight. For once getting up and walking out is not a consideration.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

As usual I wait for Jeff to wake up so I can use my office. His snore is heard over the sounds of aerobic Donna. “And one and two and three and one!”

He is startled. “Donna?”

“No. It’s just me.”

“Oh, this dance show is a hoot.”

“A hoot?”

“Leave me alone. I just woke up.”

“Can I ask you something Jeff?”

“Uh-oh.”

“Seriously.”

Kelly stops by the door. “Knock knock boys. Ready for coffee?”

“You bet.”

She places two cups on the desk.

“Thanks Kel.”

“No problem. I’m off to the store with Gwen. Marshal is going to stay here.”

“Okay honey.”

Kelly leaves. Jeff shows interest in my opinion for a change. “Whatta you want to ask?”

“Your health. Your nervousness.” I pick up my coffee cup, smell it. “Never mind this stuff. I can’t drink it anymore. You should do the same.”

“I can’t live without it.”

“Maybe one day you’ll see. Anyway, your problems. Do you feel trapped, dizzy, nervous, or anything like that before you feel like you’re gonna snap?”

“How’d you know?”

“It has to do with your releases of adrenaline, sodium lactate and cortisol. Are you Agoraphobic?”

“Agora who?”

“It’s a fear of being in crowded public places. You get sorta antsy.”

“I sure do.”

“Not to interfere, but I think I can help you.”

“I’ll try whatever you got at this point.”

I hand him a tape. “Give this a shot. I made a copy of mine.”

“What will it do?”

“Calm you.”

“Are these the same tapes you and Kelly were talking about with calm and Carla.”

“Something like that.”

“They wouldn’t happen to teach someone how to get out of a hundred thousand dollars of debt would they?”

“That part’s gonna be difficult.”

“Not too difficult for someone who’s creative though.”

Mom walks past the office with a magazine and the newspaper. She looks in, attempts to wave and decides not to. I have made her so uncomfortable. I have to try to change that.

She sits at the kitchen table and opens up the paper. The inside headline stands out. “PUNKS REAP BENEFITS OF OVER-PRICED GAS”. Mom reads the article and jokes to herself. “Three hundred thousand dollars in cash. Maybe that useless drunk should look into knocking over a gas station.”

There is a loud knock at the front door. I peer through the shades. The Cadillac from the bowling alley sits out front. Ghado and Alfonzo stand at the door. I begin to panic and I tell myself that this is a reason to panic. I am not fearing made up things in my mind. There appears to be a real fearful event at hand. “Jeff, get in the closet.”

“What?”

“Just do it. I think they’re here to collect. Don’t come out until I tell you to.”

Jeff begins to shake and sweat at the brink of tears. He cowers into the closet. I close the door. “Oh no. Don’t ma.”

Mom answers the door. “Can I help you?”

Ghado’s charm comes out from behind his raspy voice. “Sorry to bother you ma’am. Is there a Jeff Miller on the premises?”

Mom thinks back quickly to the conversation on the ride home. She feels the need to protect Jeff. “That bastard took off. He owes my daughter money. Can I take your name and number in case I find out where he is?”

“That would be just perfect ma’am.” He hands her his card. “You can reach me here.” He pinches her cheek. “We’ll see to it that your daughter gets her money back.” They leave.

I wait until they drive off then I confront mom. “That was superb.”

“Glad to help.” She is passive. I know I deserve it.

“I’ll take you to bowling as soon as you’re ready.”

“I’m ready.”

We make our way out.

CHAPTER TWENTY

Kevvy walks into his room to greet Marshal. “Looks like me and Carm have a good thing going thanks to Jim.”

“What did Jim do?”

“He passed on what I hope are magical tapes.”

“Like Copperfield?”

“Something like that.”

“Maybe now it wouldn’t hurt you to call the poor guy dad.”

Kevvy ignores the suggestion. “Guess what my burnout friends did.”

“What?”

“They robbed a gas station in Virginia.”

“That was them?”

“You heard?”

“It’s all over the paper. I saw your grandma’s.”

I walk in from dropping mom off at the bowling alley.

“Hey Jim.”

“How’s it going guys?”

“Thanks for the tapes. Carm’s spirits are up already.”

“I hope they help. I can’t imagine them not. Too bad I don’t have something to cheer your grandma up.”

“What’s wrong with grandma?”

“Her friend Lucy who she’s been bowling partners with for the last couple of weeks won’t be able to make it to the finale competition.”

“Why not?”

“Her dad back in Dayton is having some legal issues. Some company, Crosdale is threatening to sue him over supposed faulty machinery he used years ago when he had a business. He sold them the business, they wrecked the machinery, someone was injured because of it, and now they’re muscling in and making it his responsibility.”

“Too bad the only tough guys I know hate me.”

“Who’s that?”

“That guy that’s been trying to make me miserable at my new school. He’s in the paper.”

“What for?”

“Take a look at grandma’s news.”

I read the article and I can’t decide on how to go about reporting Bagger and Nopoly to the police.

As Kelly and Gwen pull up I fold the paper and hand it to Kevvy. “Don’t let your mother see this until I can decide how to handle it.”

“Sure thing.”

They walk in with packages while laughing. “Hi boys.”

Gwen looks around. “One’s missing.”

I forget what Jeff was doing. “He’s around here somewhere.”

Kelly walks to my office. She bought the base to my trophy that I needed. She places it on my desk. “Perfect. Just as I thought it would be.” She opens the closet door to get the Trophy. She jumps back when seeing Jeff. “Oh my God! What are you doing?” The trophy falls out.

“Shhhhh! I can’t come out until Jim says its okay.”

She slides the door shut and picks up the trophy. “Jim!”

“Yes dear!” I remember Jeff in the closet. “Oh no.”

“Did I interrupt a game of hide and seek?”

“Oh, um, let me explain this.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t.”

“You can come out now Jeff.”

“You didn’t say ready or not here I come.”

Jeff walks out of the closet. We all stare at him. “Nice trophy.”

He’s right. It is as nice as it was when I first received it. “Thanks Kel. This means so much.”

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

Once again Bagger and Nopoly sit in the smoke filled abandoned apartment. Cartoons on the television with the volume on full blast, beer cans around the room. The Monopoly game board sits on the floor with the money and pieces spread around unorganized.

Bagger holds a wad of hundred dollar bills while counting. Nopoly holds a wad also. He coughs out smoke and laughs. “Now they’ll love me even more.”

“Who?”

“The chicks.”

“What chicks?”

“The ones who said I win the prize for biggest peter.”

“Dude, they were insulting you.”

“Nuh uh.”

“Do you know what the biggest PITA is?”

“Sure do.” He looks at his crotch area.

“No dude.”

“Then what is it?”

“PITA’s not a word, it’s one of them letter things like FBI or PTA.”

“What’s that mean?”

“You know. Like in English class. An akonim.”

“Huh?”

“It stands for Pain In The Ass. You’re the biggest pain in the ass. It’s not biggest peter.”

“You sure?”

“Real sure.”

“We’ll find out at the party.”

“We should be popular there now that we have cash.”

Their classmate James’ living room is filled with partying teenagers. Heavy metal music blasts. James runs around attempting to keep control. “Please don’t stand on the couch.” He guides a girl who is dancing down to the floor. “Please use the garbage bag.” He holds a bag open for a guy who puts an empty beer can in a flower pot. “Please smoke outside. My mom will smell that when she gets home.” He waves the smoke and points outside to the deck where some others smoke.

James walks to the front door and opens it. Bagger and Nopoly stand as if they were waiting there for an hour. “It’s about time.” Bagger holds his drink in his brown bag.

“Thanks J.” Nopoly slaps James’ shoulder as he squeezes through to the festivities.

James is excited to see them. “Bagger, glad you could make it. Where you been? I haven’t seen you in Quinn’s class.”

“I got stories man. We rich. You’re still a sucker, but we rich.” Bagger stumbles on in and laughs at James.

James puts his head down and steps over to the bathroom. He picks up a rag to wipe the sink. He flushes the toilet which holds way too much toilet paper. He leans over and stares in the mirror. “I’m still a sucker? Why did I have to be pulled into this group of jerks? Sometimes it ain’t cool being one of the party guys. Sometimes it ain’t cool being black.”

CHAPTER TWENTY TWO

Mom and I sit at the kitchen table. We have a serious conversation for once. “I read your newspaper today.”

“I hope you enjoyed it.” She is still somewhat cold to me. I know I deserve it.

“Look ma, I want to apologize.”

She is startled. She reaches over to feel my forehead as if I’m ill. “Jim? Is that you?”

“I deserve that. I know I’ve been an ass toward you lately. Or for as long as you know me.” This is not easy to say. I repeat my thought out loud. “This is not easy to say ma. I have an odd condition. I recently found out I’m not alone in it.”

She stares at me as if opening a gift. Her eyes speak for her.

“I have an anxiety disorder. A program on book and tapes pretty much saved my life. I’m only in the beginning stages but I know already it is what I need to continue living. And living happy.” I hold her hand. Now she looks nervous, but still enjoys the moment.

“Through this program I learned that all of the insane, scary thoughts I carry around are not so abnormal. Everyone in the sessions has the same or worse issues in their heads. Even some people around me have similar problems. Now I’m not afraid to talk about it.”

“You are a special person and I could sense that behind your social problems. That’s the only reason I allowed Kelly to marry you.”

“Thanks ma.”

“And you are great with my grandson. And he’s at an age where he needs a father figure in his life.”

“I realize that. Sometimes I question my boundaries.”

“I know. Being a step father can be more difficult than being a father at times.”

I am taken aback. I know what she said is a fact. I thought only step fathers knew it was a fact though. “It makes me happy to hear you say that. So you know what I face with him meeting girls, fighting and now his enemies carrying guns and robbing gas stations.”

“His enemies? That was in Virginia.”

“They get around.”

“Were they the ones that gave Kevvy the bloody nose?”

“As a matter of fact.”

“Where do they live?”

“Ma, you can’t.”

“You think I’m going to handle this like my sissy daughter?” She becomes stern. “Where do they live?”

I am not really sure of the address. After the way she spoke to me, I have trust that she has the best of intensions, plus an anger that may make things even. “The kids talk about some abandoned apartment that belongs to the burnout’s sister who is away in jail or something.”

“If I can have the address things can be handled by the right people.”

“I think I know who may have the address.” I pick up the phone and dial. “Hello Mr. Quinn. How are you this evening?”

CHAPTER TWENTY THREE

Bagger and Nopoly stagger into the apartment after the party. They take a seat wherever they fall down. Nopoly lights up a thickly rolled cigarette. Cartoons still play on the television with the volume on full blast, beer cans around the room. The Monopoly board sits on the floor with the money and pieces spread around unorganized. The two begin recounting the stolen cash.

Fear consumes both of them. If they had use of their legs they would walk the money over to Ghado. They hold it up for him.

“It’s one thing to rob a bum like Miller, but he stole some of this cash from a sweet old lady’s daughter. We can’t have you running around with her money now, can we?”

They both shake their heads.

“That’s what I thought.”

Alfonzo counts out some stacks. He is satisfied and hands one stack back to Ghado. “This is for your troubles.” Ghado drops a stack on top of the monopoly money and points to the ashtray where the cigarette burns. “Lay off that mind altering garbage. It will cause you anxiety and depression when you get older.”

They exit.

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